.pistol.alex.

i get it.

some people dive right in and others choose to test the water.

me?

i dive.

and i dove so deep i wasn't sure if i had enough air in my lungs

(until i breathed you in)

but i reached the surface and you never came up with me.

you remained at the bottom of the sea.

in the darkness amongst all lost birthday wishes & dreams.

and at that moment, i never wanted to be able to breathe underwater more...

or better yet, turn your gills into lungs and pull you from the darkness and into the light.

but we both know i am incapable of magic.

only you are.

 

a.

the truth is, with everybody's paths being connected in one way or another, we probably would have crossed paths somehow by now. it seems impossible that we wouldn't. the world is small. we only think it's large because we spend most of our lives in one place.

the point now is to erase all paths that could have led us to each other. burn all the bridges and reroute all the roads. make it impossible for any of the forks to lead me to you or you to me.

should be easy enough, right?

a.

"if you haven't found a way to make yourself happy, you aren't done evolving." c. gutierrez.

interesting that it can all be put so simply into words. if you haven't found a way to make yourself happy, you aren't done evolving. how true these words are and they are really hitting home... after all, we struggle in our lives day-to-day just trying to find a way to make ourselves feel whole... make our lives complete... be happy and content with the things we do and the people we spend our time on... so what makes you happy? is it a job? is it a person? ... have you found it yet or are you still looking?

good luck in your search for happiness.

a.
think about it. were you happy today?

I feel like the worst liar. People ask me how everything is... I reply with 'fine'. People ask if I'm happy... I give the answer that requires the least explanation; 'yes'. But how many of those times is it actually true? I couldn't even tell you.

Sometimes pretending to be positive is easier than letting the truth break through. Letting people believe what they see on the outside is accurately reflecting what's on the inside. Nobody wants to deal with the self-loathing and negativity. That isn't what keeps people around or coming back for more.

But if you can find someone who sees through the bullshit and the facade... Don't let him/her get away. Ever.

a.
But the worst part of it all is that I'm lying to myself.

I often wonder if I will ever be able to keep my focus on one thing. When I have something new and exciting in front of me, it's easy to stay interested! It's new! It's exciting! There are so many things to explore and learn. But after a while, I seem disinterested. Maybe it's only the things I feel forced to do... And I guess up until this point in my life most of the things I have done have been forced in one way or another. I guess that makes deciding what I want to do with the rest of my life very challenging.

I know I don't want to live in days that are all the same. I want to wake up and not know what to expect from the day, but believe that because I'm doing what I love to do it will be a great day no matter what! I want to be surrounded by people who are constantly evolving. People who I admire and look up to. And people who can push me to be better!

I guess I'm optimistic at this point, but also a little lost. It feels like the things I really want are so far from reach and I get so exhausted fighting for something that keeps slipping away.

a.
If at first you don't succeed...

Very few people know this about me, but I'm currently working on a short film. I don't want to give away the theme or story, but it is something inspired by my childhood. My very close friend encouraged me to write it and I have been working on it for what seems like forever now. Sometimes the inspiration just isn't there. Sometimes I can't envision where I want the story to go. Sometimes I think of a new element I want to incorporate into the story line. And sometimes I just write until I'm stuck and can't write anymore. Then I need to take some time away from it and revisit it again at a later date. It's been very mind-consuming, but I'm looking forward to the day my friend, and very talented director/editor, and I can announce "that's a wrap" on our last day of shooting.

I have complete confidence that I can finish this short and I am certain I want to share my idea with the world. Well, hopefully the world, but if it's only friends and family I will be satisfied with that too.

I would say, at this point, I'm about seventy-five percent finished developing the story. I'm trying to coerce someone into writing a part for it and I hope he decides to say yes! After the story is written, it's time to rewrite, rewrite and then draw up the shot listings! I am super ecstatic to see when this adventure takes me and I can't wait to someday share my story with all of you!

a.

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

How often do we find ourselves saying that? Upon the realization that somehow we all seem to be connected. It makes me wonder though... If you and I had not met the way we met, does that mean we would have crossed paths a different way... Or would fate turn on us and we never would have met.

It seems that the more people you meet, the more connections we seem to have to one another. It makes me think that fate would have brought us together eventually.

A.
What do you think?

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

you have two choices.
you can either face this cruel world all alone with nobody by your side. no one to comfort or support you. no one to confide or trust in.
OR.
you can face the world with me by your side.

i know i can't replace everyone... but i will try my hardest. it isn't easy finding out that you really didn't know someone as well as you thought you did. that is never the case with me. what you see is what you get... plus a little something extra that you already know too well. i'm not going anywhere.

a.

dreams. i have a love/hate relationship with dreams. the ones that you want to last, never do... and the ones you want to end, haunt you for the rest of the day (at least). the last few nights i have had some of the most vivid dreams. they were absolutely transforming and i would be completely dazed and confused when i stirred awake. it's like i go through these episodes where i'll have all these mind-altering dreams and then i won't dream again for a very long time. i don't know what it is. i wish i could begin to even piece together what they all mean. why would something i have not even thought about resurface in a dream!? i wish there was a simple explanation for everything. i wish it wasn't all just something you can attribute to your mind playing games with you. how awesome would it be to connect to someone through a dream world!? i wish that could actually happen.

a.
and tonight, i want to remain dreamless.

when i sit back and think about how much things have changed... i get a bit emotional. i'm fighting back tears as i write this. maybe i'm just in a mood... but it breaks my heart when good relationships get stale.

i just don't want anything to change...
a.